"LOG KYA SOCHENGE OR LOG KYA KEHENGE" (What will people think or will they say )
I have been on a long journey of un - conditioning myself and breaking thorough the chains I have tied around myself. One interesting journey has been to let go of the thought and fear of "log kya kahenge" ( being judged for who I am and they way I do things). This thought also brings in an anxiety to make mistakes in front of people. The dread to be embarrassed in front of them and the thought of not being accepted for who I am or the choices I make.
Recently I was travelling on a metro train, standing in the crowded train, listening to music. I got this feeling that I was being watched, I looked around and a couple of people were staring at me. Immediately my mind started racing, is it my hair, or is there something on my dress, is it the backpack I am carrying. Then I noticed that none of the people around me had earphones on and I got this crazy idea that earphones aren't allowed in the metro and that is why people are staring. It took me a good 5 minutes to knock some sense into my irrational thoughts. I even googled it to be sure that I am not making up thoughts.
I have a folded right ear, something that I am so comfortable and normalized with that I forget it could be different for people around me. I really don't know why the people on the metro where staring at me, could be my ear or could be something else but it made me realize that I am still yet to completely break this condition of worrying what people will think of me, of being uncomfortable of being who I am in public.
I personally judge others, whether known or unknown and so I personally believe I have no right in expecting others not to judge me, gossip about me or dislike me. I also believe in being who I am and not putting on masks for other people, be it the way I dress, my likes/dislikes or anything. All this sounds amazing in beliefs but when it comes to implementation in my daily life, I still struggle at times, I still fall back to thought of worrying what people would think of me.
I believe by taking the step to break these condition, to be who I am, to stop worrying what people will think I am taking a step towards change, a step towards my life having more acceptance for myself and others